jadeswallow: (Nino jersey)
jadeswallow ([personal profile] jadeswallow) wrote2010-09-28 08:50 pm
Entry tags:

Fic: Words Left Unsaid

Title: Words Left Unsaid
Fandom: Arashi
Characters/Pairings: Nino/Nagasawa Masami
Rating: G
Word count: 1,662
Genre: Het, Angst
Beta: [livejournal.com profile] zheinpathos 
They have broken up, but they need to see each other again, because there are some words still left unsaid, lost between fights.
Notes: The story taken place not long after the release of Boku no Miteiru Fuukei

The night began with a phone call.

A simple how are you. I’ve seen news about the concerts, a pause, and a question, have you been eating well lately?

It felt unreal, meeting her again, sitting across to each other in a restaurant’s private room. And he knew he kept staring at her, and he shouldn’t do that, but he just couldn’t help himself.

They ate quietly, unsure of what they should talk about, and it felt awkward that they could sense each other’s presence again. He stared at her and thought how it brought back memories. The way she stirred her soup, the way she put her hair behind her ear, the way she took her spoon to her lips and blow it softly, the way her lips…damn. He needed to think about something else beside her lips.

He tried to focus on his food and raised his spoon to take a few sips, silently wondering if it’s a good decision to ask her out like this. At that moment, it seemed like a right thing to do. She missed him, and he missed her; they still wanted to see each other; he had time after concert rehearsals, so why not? But he knew it’s not the actual reason, because honestly, he just wanted to see her. He thought she would never call him again, and when she did, he just desperately wanted to grab the chance.

However, when he had met her, his lips are glued and he just couldn’t find the right moment to say it to her, something important he hadn’t appropriately told her. He looked at her again, trying to memorize her every moves, burning her image in his mind, because he didn’t do it the last time they met. It was a simple action, lost and forgotten between all those fights and tears.

He couldn’t help but notice how she still remembered what he likes, how he doesn’t like oily food (besides hamburger, of course), putting it in his bowl as she carefully picking his favorite. And he secretly laughed at himself. It’s obvious she hadn’t forgotten yet; it’s not even been that long. It has only been a few months, although, he admitted bitterly, it seemed longer than that.

Earlier, he was certain he had to see her again, but when they’re finally here, in silence, he was beginning to feel unsure. Perhaps it’s better if they never saw each other again; perhaps he shouldn’t ask her to dinner again. After the food on the table had been eaten, and they had nothing they could pretend to do, nothing to keep their hands busy to avoid the conversation, but he still didn’t know how to say it to her-- the words he has been meaning to tell her….

“I bought the album.” Her words were the first to break the silence in the room.

“Oh, really?” was the only reply he could manage. He silently cursed. How come he lost all of his snarky vocabulary, just because he heard she speaks?

“Mm,” she played with her spoon, twirling it around in the empty bowl in front of her. “I only got the regular edition though. Guess I’m not fast enough to buy the limited edition.”

“T-then?” He blurted out the word, “What do you think of it?” His heart was beating faster. Did she realize it? This might be the chance to say it; he felt like he was fated to say it.

“I like it,” she smiled a little, “I listen to it when I’m travelling in the car.”

“Oh.” He nodded. He stared at her again, couldn’t restrain himself. She had cut her hair short, which reminded him of how she looked like when they first met five years ago. It didn’t matter to him. She had insisted on keeping her hair long because he liked it better, but for him, she still looked beautiful even with short hair.

“How’s the shooting progress?”

“For Gold?” she asked. “It’s fine.”

He looked at her hands on the table. The fingers were long and slender, unlike his hamburger hands. He remembered how it felt when she linked her fingers with his, how the fingers have caressed his face and wrapped around his neck when they kissed. He moved his hands across the table and reached for hers. She gasped but said nothing. It was as though they had never touched before, and he hated it.

“Masami…” He hesitated, but then he didn’t want to have any regrets. He had to tell her now, or he will have to keep it unsaid forever. “Have you listened to my solo?”

She moved her gaze from the table. Their eyes locked together for the first time that night.

“I’ve heard it.” Her answer came as a whisper, as though she’s not sure if she could tell him that.

“Do you know what it means?”

“Thank you,” she immediately answered it this time, “right?” Her tone conveyed a warning, but he chose to ignore it.

Yes, it was so simple, but there were thousands of meaning hidden beneath those simple words. Yet, he had never said it properly to her. All his gratitude for everything she had done for him and more, so important that he felt he needed to pour into a song. He finally could say it directly to her.

“It was for you. I want to thank you, for all the things you have done for me.”

He was unsure if he could say it before, but since he had started, he couldn’t stop himself, and all the words just flew out of his mouth. He had pretended to look okay, because he has a job to do and an image to take care off. He had pretended that he was not affected by the stories of how she was suddenly getting thinner after they broke up. He had pretended that he hadn’t noticed she had cut her hair not long after that. He would always smile and look strong and confident in front of the camera, but they’re just alone, and it’s her. He could always be himself in front of her, showing how he sometimes felt lost and weak and unsure, and he has to say it-- it’s now or never.

“I’ve never said it properly before, and I know the meaning is not clear enough, but this time I have had difficulties conveying my feelings properly. I kept changing it, rewriting it over and over again. I actually brought the drafts today, so you could see how unsure I was about the lyrics, and…”

“I know.” She squeezed her hands, linked their fingers, and smiled, “Thank you.” God, how he missed that smile.

“There’s one more thing in that song that I need to tell you….”

“Kazu-chan,” she pulled back her hand. “Don’t”

“But, Masami…”

“Don’t. Please. Just…just don’t.” She shook her head slowly.

His heart slightly sank. “So I guess I can’t have a second chance then?” he asked. “I can change, you know.”

“I have given you your second chance, and your third.” Her lips trembled, but there was fierceness in her eyes. “It’s just…This was just not working.” She paused a little. “We deserved better. I’m sorry.” She played with her spoon again, avoiding his eyes. “I’m starting a new life now and I’m happy.”

The words hurt him, but he knew very well he deserved it. There was truth in her words. He had let her slipped through his fingers. It was his fault, and he knew he shouldn’t keep her away from her happiness, but he was still hurt. Only years of practice made him capable of hiding that feeling, so he smiled. “Well, at least I tried,” he said as he shrugged.

She bit her lips and he knew he couldn’t fool her, but they said nothing, because there were no appropriate words for this situation, except the repetitive I’m sorry. I hope you could forgive me. I hope you’ll find your happiness.

She cleared her throat. “Well, even if we’re not…together again, I still want you to take care of your health.” He appreciated her efforts to change the topic. She was always braver than she looks like, more mature than her roles made her seem to be. “You are getting thinner. It’s not healthy.”

They knew there were more meanings behind those words. I couldn’t cook for you again, I couldn’t call again to remind you to save the game and go to sleep, I couldn’t take care of you again if you sick; so you have to take care of yourself.

He knew she was sincere, and she was honestly care for him. He didn’t want to trouble her again, no matter how he wished he could rewind all these mistakes, erase all the bad memories, and start their relationship all over again. So he just smiled and assured her, “I know. Don’t worry. I’ll pay more attention to my health from now on.”

It’s like a promise, those words. And they kept silent after that, partly because they want to prevent themselves for going too far, and partly because there’s nothing else to be said, because those last words have shown them the difference, the distance they were having now.

When they finally rose up, he asked her, right before they parted. “Can I kiss you?” She turned to look at him.

“One last time, for the old time’s sake?” She hesitated for a while, but then nodded.

He reached her waist and his lips found hers. It was cold, and it was awkward, like it’s the first time they kissed. But then it got warmer, because their lips haven’t forgotten, and he stopped it, while he could still hold himself. It was sad, the last kiss, but it’s better than nothing. He whispered in her ear for one last time, and said the words before they went to separate ways. “Thank you.”

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